Confused Harley

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I have reached a stage in my life, where at least romantically, I am starting to grow up. At least I think so.

Things between Chris and I were going really well. I enjoyed hanging out with him, and all my friends liked him, but something was still amiss. As fucked up as my relationship with Chase was, I realized that I'm not quite over him. I was single for approximately 3 weeks, maybe a month, before I ran into Chris again. I didn't give myself time to grieve over what had happened. I guess it didn't occur to me just HOW much what happened bothered me. And I didn't think it was fair to Chris to string him along while I figured out what was going on in my head. I need time to be me. And I have a serious habit of jumping into another relationship not long after I end the previous one. I don't really take time to think about what is the best course of action for me to take. I just get involved with someone else, basically BECAUSE it takes my mind off things. And I should really stop doing that. So, in case you can't tell, I broke up with Chris.

Honestly, the break-up between Chase and myself was really messy. It was a lot because we were both trying to out-hurt the other one. This break-up with Chris is messing with me in a big way. It's been really hard. I miss him a lot, but I don't think spending time with him is the wisest idea right now. It's way too easy to fall back into a relationship. I mean, Danny and I did it. It just causes a lot of problems, and definitely doesn't fix any. I don't know what the future holds for me and Chris, hopefully eventually he and I can be friends, or possibly more. But if never wants to speak to me again, I understand. I don't blame him, that's for sure.
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chucks = love

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My life is a topsy-turvy kind of place. SO much has happened, and continues to happen that I am constantly wondering what is going on, but I am fairly thrilled with the prospect of not knowing.

Two months ago, I was supposed to move to Houston, with Chase. He moved out a month before I was supposed to, to find a job, and to get our life started there. Literally 24 hours before I was supposed to leave Georgia with my dad, and move everything I owned to Texas I made a snap decision that changed everything. What it comes down to is the fact that I really didn't want to move across the country again. The last experience was such a bad one, that I was terrified down to my toes of attempting it again. So I cheated on Chase. I'm not proud of it, and it is definitely something I had never done before, and I at least had the grace to break-up with him immediately thereafter. Granted, I didn't tell him that I did at that time, I just told him that I couldn't leave everything behind again. It wasn't a lie, exactly, but it was an omission of the truth. That being said, I was much happier with my decision to remain in Georgia, more than I was upset about breaking Chase's heart. Conversations I had the next day changed everything. I learned that he had cheated on me with AT LEAST four other girls in the year plus that we had been together. At that point I felt completely justified. Why should I feel bad about what I had done, when after several months of supporting Chase, as he didn't have a job for at least half of our relationship, he took advantage of me in such an awful way? Thus began the worst break-up of my life, which has only started to heal itself.

The next three weeks were an amazing ride of being single again. I had forgotten how much fun it was to be single. I flirted, I kissed other guys, I went out and had a grand ol' time with friends that I had neglected, or whose relationships with me had become strained due to the fact that NO ONE liked him. Not a single one of my friends cared for him. There were many reasons for it, but it was mainly because he was the biggest bullshit artist in the world, and no one was happy with the way he treated me.

Then one Sunday night, I decided to hang out with some friends at The Place in Towne Lake for karaoke. While there, I ran into Chris Watson, the guy I asked to senior prom, not knowing that he had a girlfriend at the time. We exchanged hellos, and then after I had walked back over to my table, I got a text message from a number that I didn't know. Turns out Chris got my number off of Facebook, and texted me, because since I was sitting at a table with a couple of guys, he didn't want to ruin any potential date that I was on. I wasn't on a date. We still continued to text back and forth, but he did come over and talk to me briefly. Later that night, he asked me if I would be back the next night. I said I was thinking about it.

We hung out the next night, and not even five minutes after we left, he called me and asked me to have dinner with him later in the week. Of course, I said. We've hung out very nearly every day since then. Being with him is so effortless, and easy, and fun. I was scared to get involved so quickly after breaking up with Chase, but it felt so right. And I'm a firm believer of things happening for a reason.

Here's hoping that things continue to be awesome :)
Scared Harley

(no subject)

Moving stresses me out. Moving across the country does even more so. It has a lot do with packing, because I absolutely hate it. And since we decided on this move pretty much out of nowhere, and Chase left so suddenly to get out there and get things in order, I'm left to do that packing by myself. Luckily for me, we aren't taking any furniture. I needed a new bed anyway, and gas for my dad's truck will be a hell of a lot cheaper than renting a u-haul to drive somewhere around 900 miles. I got so discouraged last night, because I have so many things to go through, and I don't have many boxes, and I pretty much don't know where to start. My sister is being super awesome about all this, she came in, and started helping me decide what clothes I need right now, and what can be washed and set aside for packing. She also helped me pull out a bunch of books that I don't want anymore, and since she is doing her community service at the Humane Society Thrift Store, she went ahead and took a lot of things over there for me today.

Its getting to the point that I am excited about moving, though. I love visiting new places, and even though moving to a place I have never been before is kind of nerve-wracking, I like the adventure of all of it. In theory, I could totally reinvent myself. It wont happen, but the idea is nice. And we get to start over, and that sounds like a great idea.

Its going to be an interesting three weeks...

(no subject)

I know I never update. However, I am about to go through some pretty big changes in my life. I'm moving to Texas. Houston, specifically. Due to the fact that Chase got laid off (FOR THE THIRD TIME IN A ROW) due to over-hiring, and I don't really feel like the company I am working for is going to be around much longer, and a few other extenuating circumstances, we felt like moving to Texas would be the best course of events.I am simultaneously scared to death and really excited. Chase is going to be leaving this coming Saturday, and then I will be following him on the 16th of May. My dad is going to help me rent a u-haul and tow dolly, and we're driving out there.

Here's to a new life!

(no subject)

Mercury is in fucking retrograde for the next 2 and a half weeks. Brilliant. For those who dont know, Mercury being in retrograde tends to make things messy. Electronic stuff starts getting testy, like Ema's car, which all of a sudden doesn't want to work for some reason, and it is NOT the time to start any new projects. However, if you have things that you need to finish up, now is the time to do it. It's also a good time for cleaning out all the stuff you don't need to clutter up your life. Which I need to do. the fact that it has coincided with the New Year, and the Blue Moon is interesting. One would think that it would cancel things out, but no... Mercury is stronger than that.

My tolerance for bullshit is super low today, and my anxiety level is high. Things that wouldn't, or shouldn't bother me, really are. Don't know why. The things that have transpired over the last week or so are absolutely CRAZY. New Year's Eve was AWESOME, an then automatically things turned around and we were sitting there thinking, "what the hell just happened?!"

That being said, Ema & I had a New Year's Eve/Blue Moon ritual, and we put our intentions for the new year out there, and actually have a really good feeling about those coming true. It's all about positive thinking..... right? lol

(no subject)

1. first name or preferred nickname: Alex and Harlequin are generally the two names I go by. Alex, obviously, because it is my name, and Harlequin, because it is the name that my family has given me.

2. what's the story behind your username? Zylla was a name that I found in a Madeleine L'Engle Book, um the last one in the "Wrinkle In Time" series, that I can't remember the name of currently, and Noelle is my middle name. I liked the way they sounded together

3. age and sign of the zodiac (sun, rising, and moon if you know them): Leo with Libra Ascendant

4. location (state or country): Metro Atlanta, Georgia

5. where have you spent most of your life? Most of my life has been spent in Woodstock, GA, but I lived a year and a half-ish in Lawrence, Kansas

6. what were the best and worst parts of your childhood/adolescence? the best parts were relying on my imagination for play, I was the oldest child by several years, and spending time with my Grams. The worst was the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my step-father

7. if you currently have a partner/significant other, why are you with him? If not, what are your criteria for a life partner? I do have a wonderful partner... Chase is pretty much unlike any other guy I have ever dated. He has a really quirky sense of humor, and never fails to make me laugh. He also makes me feel so much more beautiful & loved than I ever have before.

8. what are you most passionate about? Children & their rights, music, art, COOKING

9. what is your primary goal/purpose in life? To live a happy & fulfilled life.

10. which of your qualities are you actively working to improve? Don't cop out and say all -- which ones are you focused on right now? Communication, and anger issues. I have gotten them under control in a big way over the past few years, but there is always room for improvement.

11. who inspires you? which people have qualities that you especially admire and what are those qualities in each person? My Grams inspires me the most. She is a strong independent woman, who takes responsibility for her actions, and forever aspires to learn more.

12. if you were a charm on a bracelet, what would you be? an owl, they are my totem, they represent being able to discover deception, and liberating female energy.

13. what do you obsess/get-ridiculously-excited over? right now, it is totally New Moon, lol... something about those werewolves totally do it for me.

14. what do you collect? or what would you collect if you could? Nutcrackers... it all goes back to Grams taking me to the ballet every Christmas to see it. I am sitting at around 35 currently, and I usually get a new one ever Christmas.

15. ignoring all difficulty factors and money, what is your dream occupation? personal chef

16. how do you identify spiritually (do you follow a religion, what do you think about soul/spirit, etc.) and in what ways do you exercise your beliefs? I'm a Pagan. I am also a witch. I am coming to terms with telling people that is what I do. I worship Goddess & God, as well as revere the Earth that they have created us to live in. I follow the tides of the moon, and celebrate the joy that every day brings.

17. how do you identify sexually? I am attracted to both men and women, I haven't been in a relationship with a woman in a very long time.

18. what's your relationship structure: monogamous, polyamorous, polyfidelitous? monogamous

19. how do you feel about nudity (do you like being nude / being around others who are nude)? I'm still not 100% comfortable with my body, although I am much happier now than I used to be.

20. how do you feel about 'little white lies'? Lies are lies, plain and simple. Usually they end up hurting both the person telling the lie, and the person it is being told to. That being said, I have told them in order to save face or feelings.

21. do you like to share yourself (thoughts, feelings) with others? yes, I'm doing this, aren't I?

22. what sort of creative things do you like to do? I paint, I sing, I do crafty things. Currently, my sister witch Emma and I are creating metaphysical items to put in our Etsy shop. Ulitmately, our dream is to open a physical shop.

23. do you often cuddle with friends (not just lovers)? yes, I love to cuddle

24. do you consider yourself a feminist? why/why not? I do believe in equality for everyone, but I admit to feeling that there are some things that men are just biologically more capable of doing. But total respect to any woman that tries, and succeeds.

25. what are your thoughts on porn? I enoy a good porn flick every once in a while. sure there is the objectification of women, but there is also the objectification of men and sex as well. I dont really feel that much of it should be taken as seriously as it is, though.

26. do you read for fun? if so, what's your favorite genre, favorite author and favorite book? I LOVE TO READ! There is nothing more in this world I love more than a good book. I like historical fiction, I like paranormal stuff, I love YA fiction, I enjoy reading everything I can get my hands on about Paganism and Witchcraft. I LOVE cookbooks.

27. favorite color (be specific -- not just green, mint or lime or emerald): Chartreuse Green.... the shade of a nice peridot, also my borth stone

28. favorite shape or symbol (heart, star, etc.) & favorite number: honestly, and contrived as it sounds, the pentacle, or 5 pointed star, because of what it represents to me due to my faith, and just the fact that OI really like stars. My favorite number is 9, its a nice round number.

29. favorite musical group(s) & genre(s): oh, where to begin.... its horrible, but I LOVE pop trash, its a lot of fun to sing along to... punk rock, because I identify with the culture, rock, classical, etc, and so on.

30. cat person or dog person? cat person.

31. favorite non-pet animal? Owls, naturally, lol.

32. favorite movie(s) / show(s)? I just started watching True Blood, which rocks, Scrubs, CSI, Glee (obsessed, really, lol), Food Network

(no subject)

One of these days, I am going to get better about writing. As it stands right now, I am sitting here at work, waiting for the next 21 minutes to pass so I can leave. I need BFF time.... I haven't seen Lesley, much less talked to her, in three weeks.
Also, I think I need to work on getting more sleep. Or at least make everyone leave BEOFRE 1:30 in the morning. It's just that I enjoy their company so much, and typically don't want to stop what we are doing. Ah well, the sacrifices one must make.

Last night was fun... Emma's really been feeling her wolf spirit (although I am sure that it has been helped along by reading Twilight, lol), and so we decided that last night we would call animals spirits and try to communicate with them. Well, we called them, but it started raining, and we just got distracted, but we had a good time. Anna even sort of got involved. I really need to start taking pictures of our altars, because they end up looking very pretty. Next big holiday is Yule, and we have a big feast and celebration planned for that. Chase and Caleb are going to act out the roles of the Oak & Holly Kings, and pretty much beat the hell out of each other.

I have effectively wasted 20 minutes between doing this and refunds.... I am going to Lesley's now.

Goodbye my lovelies...


(no subject)

I woke up in a pretty good mood this morning. I got some good sleep last night, and, even though I slept in 30 minutes this morning, I still had plenty of time to get ready. While I was traveling back and forth between me bedroom, and my bathroom, which are on opposite sides of the house, going through the living room and kitchen, I noticed one of the cats' strings lying in the floor. Oddly enough, it was exactly in the shape of my zodiac sign, which is leo, for those that don't know. So, naturally, I decided to check my horoscope, based on this "sign", so to speak.

From Yahoo: "The stars have big plans today. So get out your fanciest duds and prepare to dazzle. You hit on something really big today -- so big that everyone around you has to take notice! Use that amazing energy to blow past whatever shreds of resistance to your charms still remain. "

That's good news, if I've ever heard any. :)
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